As I am approaching my mid-20’s, I realize things are constantly changing, my experiences have a newfound maturity, new adventures, and major decisions… But I also have the mental illnesses that I experienced since elementary/middle school, with the main diagnosis being obsessive-compulsive disorder… I am high functioning but yet still struggle – I am making it and have some serious motivation to reach my goals; including one day being a research professor and someone who works with youth.
My first symptom was the stereotypical handwashing until my hands were raw, worries about contamination – never really understood where it stemmed from but I do think it had to do with my sister being sick due to underdeveloped lungs as a premie. As I got older, my obsessions changed – I am almost failed sixth grade because I struggled to finish my homework because I couldn’t get my handwriting “just right” and would go through so much notebook paper and because I was a latchkey kid, there was no one checking to make sure my homework was done (which my teachers were concerned I had a learning disability and needed special services – which prior to that year I was an honor roll student and recently had some changes in the home life). Prior, I was obsessed with creating a smudge on our tv – which I was so obsessed with getting it off I would compulsively clean our television with Windex.
About midway through six grade, I developed new obsessions. I was a normal weight but was starting to feel the pressure of being later than the other girls my age and saw myself as big. Like everyone else, I am very insecure about a part of my body, for me – my calf muscles are HUGE yet always muscular. I started to worry about eating- I would skip meals or eat solely tuna and salad at school. I remember drinking diet soda around that time. Then I was thinking about calories constantly for a few months and how to get rid of them. Thankfully, when I saw a psychiatrist and mentioned the OCD symptoms and some of the eating disorder tendencies – they prescribed Zoloft. It is a black box psychotropic, however, it prevented me from developing a full-blown eating disorder. There were some signs when the dose needed to be increased but it helped as I got older. Along with the OCD, generalized anxiety disorder is common. I was diagnosed with GAD as a senior in high school, however, didn’t stay with treatment since symptoms of anxiety seem to be reactive.
I did have to come off Zoloft at 22 years old due to insurance issues, cost, and I struggled to remember to take it every day. The withdrawal was awful coming off and my OCD came back with a vengeance. I started to worry about my clothes becoming too small and didn’t wear jeans for a couple months. I would go through my closet and repeatedly try clothes on as if they didn’t fit… Eventually, this obsession faded (thank goodness). Among the clothing, I struggled with test grades – which made me anxious since I started having testing anxiety. I would repeatedly calculate my GPA and test grades… this would have unlatched – I even went to my professor and told her I was failing the class (not in the slightest, I had a B- but it was a difficult class). Some of my fears eased with confiding in my professors, I had one that was so discerning of the whole situation even before I talked to them.
Interestingly enough, my obsessions take crazy turns and my strangest obsession to date is my teeth. Last year, I went to the dentist because I had a cavity cropped up and I had recent dental work. {found out today I have a tooth that is vulnerable to staining} After the visit, I started freaking out I would have teeth that would fall out or become extremely damaged. I drove myself crazy constantly checking my tooth to make sure it was intact – but thankfully I was fine when I was busy and hasn’t been a problem since that point.
The anxiety also manifests in others ways and it seems to center around CONTROL of situation. The obsessions and anxiety do prevail in situations that I feel like I have no control over or should have control over. The main manifestation is “performance” anxiety – which I have learned to push myself through in some ways – yet has been prevalent in driving, public settings, and even, eating. The latter is the one of most concern, because I am very selective along with I do worry about weight. The other day, I panicked about eating cake – which is something I don’t typically eat and happens sometimes (which I don’t eat clean or have an eating disorder persay) but I have felt that way when I do go to a restaurant and see different choices, calorie counts, along with trying something outside my comfort zone or if I am around a lot of people. (I tend to eat nutrition bars, chicken/tuna salad, Greek yogurt, dried fruit, gummies, etc. but I also tend to not eat foods based on textures/smells). Thankfully, I have control and do eat intuitively/mindfully (This is something I have learned about those who have recovered from eating disorders or eating issues – they learn to focus on health rather than images/diet - a positive direction rather than the negative side of the disorder)
As I have gotten older, I realize the importance of a support network. Without a support network, its easy to get hung up on what you can’t do. But with the emotional support, it makes things easier to go through. I notice that after confiding in a few professors and admitting there was a struggle – my test grades went up and I finished my undergraduate career on a good note. Driving is a hurdle that seemed to be created by anxiety – its easy to get into a mental block and freeze, worry about the next car, etc – but with some encouragement – it was so much easier to keep going even after setbacks. And after reconnecting with my family, the support came from both parents, especially my stepmom. During the obsessive/compulsive cycle of teeth falling out – she was able to talk me through when I thought I was losing my mind and recently has mentioned she does keep watch on my eating/exercise to make sure I don’t fall into the eating disorder cycle that I am most vulnerable to… and even at work- I have a coworker/friend who encourages me to get out of the negative thought loops before they become overwhelming and obsessive.
Another important thing is self-care, which is an important part of managing anxiety. Self-care can be defined in many different ways based on the person. For me, eating is important – I went two months struggling to get myself to eat (resulting from stress at my job) and I was internalizing and spent months with respiratory infections because I wasn’t eating enough to fight off the illnesses. Anxiety/stress make it hard for me to eat or can upset stomach fighting nerves – but eating helps prevent the anxiety that stems from low blood sugar. I do best with eating small-ish amounts every two/three hours and high protein per meal/snack. Also- exercise… I love to run, which sounds weird but it gives me something to focus on. When I used to feel anxiety come on- I would sprint to ease my anxiety. Running is metaphorical in terms of you are running from what makes you feel anxious and of course, helps with the neurotransmitters that are associated with anxiety (and depression too – there have been studies on incorporating exercise to treatments of mental illnesses). ALSO ---- sleep is super important. I prioritize sleep but it makes sense… Aside from eating/exercise/sleep, it is important to do what makes you most happy/passionate. For me, being outside, drawing, and writing are what brings me peace – and I am happiest involved in church ministry working with children, including my recent adventures getting involved helping with special needs kids.
However, anxiety hasn’t stopped me from reaching my goals and I feel like it has been an asset to my approach to life. I have accomplished many things and found my voice in a variety of ways. I graduated from high school with high honors, which was something I didn’t know I could do. I also graduated with my bachelor’s degree in biology and have some specialization in psychology and environmental science. I found my niche in research, primarily medical entomology. I have had my writing published and love blogging. I have also been accepted into graduate school and start in the fall, along with being made permanent at a seasonal job because of work ethic.
